Top 10 Jokes

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." (Think about it!)

 2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." (Groan)

 3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

 4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

 5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess." (My personal favourite.)



 6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

 7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure." (Groan - you need to know a bit about British music to get this one and the phrase "Prevention is better than a cure", which is something we say that means it is better to stop something bad happening than it is to deal with it after it has happened.)

 8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

 9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails." (You need to know a bit about the recent phone hacking scandal in the UK - Google "News of the World phone hacking".)

 10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin." (Sick!)

 The worst joke was from Paul Daniels who won a wooden spoon for:-

 He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'." (I actually like that one.)

Top 20 Funniest One-Liners Quotes And Jokes On The Internet

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.



6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

 8. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 12. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

13. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

18. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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